I walked down the street to my car, dropping my coat off in the trunk, & getting out the unopened package of cigarettes. Vanilla Dreams, I’d bought them more than a month ago, after stealing my first from a former lover in a near suicidal depression. I wasn’t that bad now, just a little broken & disappointed…. I walked a block or so to a park I’d found earlier, when I was still searching for food. There was the broad expanse of a ball field, & up a hill there were tennis courts & a play ground. I walked around in the park for a little while, alternating between fantasies of a romantic evening that never happened, & becoming increasingly angry at myself for thinking for a moment that I should be deserving of such a night. I finally sat on the steps between the ball field & the tennis courts, opening the flavored cigarettes with a sigh & thinking of my late grandfather, who ultimately died from the habit despite quitting almost thirty years ago. The wind seemed to fight me, to tell me. I screamed, "Oh God, I want a man, to take me and make me his!"I then envisioned a tall handsome man, fucking me with long, deep thrust. I bit my lip, shook all over and climaxed once more. I lay there, for a moment, daydreaming of who that man might be.After that I got up, took a shower, done my hair, reapplied my make-up and dressed in a new silky dress. Rechecked myself in the mirror, whistled, winked, and headed out the door, to go eat dinner, in a lovely restaurant I'd seen while walking on the beach.After dinner, I was having a bit of jet-lag and decided to return to my room. When I got back to the room, I ordered some dry wine. After it arrived, I poured me a glass, and then walked out onto the balcony. I sit in one of the comfortable lounge chairs and gaze up at the starry sky. I sip my drink, listen to the waves hitting the beach, and wondered what tomorrow will bring.The cool night breeze and calming sounds of the water almost make me fall asleep. So I decided it was time.
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